When you have one child who has been diagnosed with autism and another child who isn’t, finding the right balance in attending to both children can be quite tricky. There is often a tendency to focus your attention on your autistic child much to the dismay of your other child.
And because you know that your autistic child needs you more than your other child, it is easy to assume that the other child will understand. It is easy to assume that everyone in the family understands the needs and requirements of caring for the autistic child. There may even be times when we demand such understanding from everyone regardless of what the situation is. Worse, there may even be times when you get mad at the other child for trying to get your attention when you are clearly very busy with the other child.
And while it is true that your other child may understand that his sibling is special, you must never forget that your other child also requires your attention. Just like your autistic child, your other child also needs your love. He also needs to spend quality time with mom and dad the same way that all children do.
To avoid getting your other child feel left out, it is important that you spend quality time with him as well. Schedule some time with him alone so he does not feel neglected. The last thing you would want is to have your other child hate his sibling because of all the attention you are giving your autistic child.
It is also a good idea to try and include him in the activities that you do with your autistic child. The more interaction he has with his sibling, the better the chances of him understanding the situation. The important thing is to not let your other child feel left out. What you want to avoid is for your other child to start acting out in order to get your attention.
Be aware that it is not uncommon for siblings of autistic children to develop psychological problems in their effort to get the attention of their parents. When parents unconsciously neglect the other child, the child quickly learns that the best way to attract their parents attention is by having some problems of their own. You don’t want this to happen. You just don’t need this additional stress.
I have a 4 year old and 17 month old boy/girl twins. The boy twin is showing signs of autism. We have him developmental, feeding, and OT therapy. We will be adding speech therapy next month. My 4 year old is great, and is very independent. I not sure how to balance the twins. The boy needs me more obviously. He cannot walk, and does not talk at all. At this age, there is no explaining to the girl. It’s hard seeing her need me. You do your best, but there are countless times when she does something like bring me a book to read and I can’t. There’s nothing more that I want than to be able to read that book to her, but when her brother is in the middle of a tantrum. I can’t do anything about it. I feel so bad for her.
I’m now caring for the teenage son of a good friend who was told to leave his home because he was too much of a problem for his parents to handle. The boy started acting out when he was about 13 yrs old…the same time his younger brother was diagnosed with autism. The older son was a single child for many years before his brother was born. He had all the attention and lacked for nothing….and it all changed in the blink of an eye. He’s been acting out, seeking attention from his parents, for years. I don’t know how to help this child…I love him like he’s my own but he has been through hell and his parents DO NOT SEE IT. They think he’s selfish, rebellious, lazy…none of which I see at my home. At this point he has nothing but resentment for his younger brother and I honestly don’t know if his relationship with his parents will ever be mended. AND, I’ll search this site to see if I find other articles relating to this, but in the few months he’s been here, I have noticed some of the same autistic type behaviors in THIS child that I saw early on in his younger brother. This boy rocks side to side when he gets agitated, his brother rocked front to back. This boy moves his hands – almost flailing but with a pattern to it – when he has excess energy, his brother stemmed with his hands. This boy makes odd noises when sitting or doing something repeatitive, his brother grunted almost all the time when playing with toys. I really think this boy possibly has autism, but at an extremely small level on the autim spectrum scale – highly functioning – but I think his parents never noticed because these things were so slight and easily overlooked since he progressed pretty normally in other cognitive areas. So sad…
Hi Ellie,
I know its been a few months, but just now coming across your comment really got to me. I’m 22 years old and my 24 year old sister is severely autistic. I’m in college but I still live at home with my family and her. I’ve experienced a hell of a lot of the same challenges. I’ve dealt with a lot of anger and frustration and felt pretty alienated at times. I thought, if you wanted, you could get in touch with me. I’m not perfect, but I feel like I have come a long way in adapting to life with my sister and being my own person. I’d love to talk with you and maybe the boy you’re helping. If I could give any sort of useful perspective, then I’d love to.
Email me: matthewdavisanderson@gmail.com
I hope things are going well. Take care.